last Sunday, i was watching powerhouse while reviewing. the guests were female personalities succesful in their chosen businesses. the first one’s cathy valencia who pursued her passion for beauty and wellness. then there’s charisse tinio of niceprint who pursued her love for photography.
i was so inspired…and challenged by them. i admired their courage and guts to go for their dreams. something i lack.
they figured out their passion, then they pursued it.
"figure out your passion. pursue it. and you won’t have to work a single day in your life."
what was mine?
i can’t give a definite answer.
but, i want to settle in a career related to arts,film,travel. anything that has to do with creativity. one where the gifts i know i have could be used into full potential.
this afternoon, my heart and my mind felt confused and heavy. the thought of leaving my present job came to mind again.
am i in the right direction?
am i in the right path to where i should be?
should i finally let go?
is it time to listen to myself now?
for more than a year, i have been trying to wait a little more…wait for change. wait to be finally ‘officially’ assigned to the ‘unofficial’ job that i excel in and that one that i really enjoy doing. but, it’s already been more than a year and nothing has changed.
when should the waiting end?
i am still in a job that i have taught myself to love, learn, and learn and learn. everyday it gets harder and harder.
i feel like a bird swimming instead of flying. trying instead of thriving.
my plans for myself aren’t so much clear for now. but i pray that if they were not God’s plans for me, He would redirect me to His will.
despite all this questions and confusions, i am still blessed that because of Jesus i can come to God through prayer anywhere, and anytime.
as opposed to what other people think, being a christian isn’t all bed of roses…but, it is much lighter because i would never have to walk this life alone. and that this life on earth is plain temporary including the hardships, struggles, etc. but with Jesus, i can look forward to an eternal future. heaven.spilling this feelings made me feel better. hehehe. oh emotional hormones.
here i am who’s about to sleep when suddenly some thoughts barged in. i was checking on one of the social media sites when i saw a friend’s post. it was a message from someone special she met way back college. a mentor. a coach.
it struck me. i looked back to my past as if i was trying to search someone from there. a mentor. a coach. an adviser. well, some people besides my parents.someone like them that sticked til the present. and to my dismay, there was none. surely, i met some but i think they just stayed in the past.
it kinda broke my heart. and i felt a pinch of sadness in my skin.
then i realized, what could be the problem?
maybe just maybe i had built walls that are partially open. maybe i hadn’t let anyone come to close. maybe i wasn’t just too comfortable to easily open up to others. or maybe i was just too afraid to totally open up.
or maybe no one just made an effort to break the walls that i built.
i don’t know.
i’m not really sure why.
but now, i had put the walls down a bit. i think finally being part of a discipleship group in church helped so much. i’m blessed that God has blessed me with people who i can share my life with. people i know who could inspire me and help me achieve a life that God wants for me.
i liked how suddenly this supposedly sad spontaneous post had a good ending.
no work today slash absent today means more time to read, reflect, and review for the upcoming LET and do a little laundry. while i was studying this afternoon, i was so worried because my memory fails me. everything i studied before seemed to dissolve. i can’t focus on studying. worry and doubt filled my mind little by little. how can i pass the board exam? self review na nga lang ako, para pa akong may amnesia. my knowledge was never enough. and it looks like it would never be enough.
i feel like giving up already.
then as of this writing, i remembered a passage from matthew 6 i’ve read this morning, “seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. and all these things shall be added unto you.”
true enough. more than anything i should seek Him first.
i can’t do things by myself. i can’t rely ONLY on my own strength. i need Him. Him first.
then this evening, my mom was asking for worship song suggestions as she was playing some on youtube. i suggested kari jobe’s steady my heart. while i was listening, a few lines struck me.
“I’m not gonna worry, I know that You’ve got me right inside the palm of your hand.”
ugh. it sank through me, and little by little, it steadied my heart. :’)
and in that note, i changed my lappy’s wallpaper with this,
to whoever that might read this, please pray for me for the upcoming LET this 17th of august. thank youuuuuuu.
I could look at you for hours and not get bored.
I could hold you in my arms with no intention of letting go.
You make me fall in love with your words.
You make my heart flutter with your every thought.
I could get my eyes glued on you for forever.
I could stay with you with no intention of leaving…ever.
Oh dear book. ♥
You’re my favorite go-to nook.